Sitting on the bench, overlooking where Danube and Sava rivers meets at the Kalemegdan Fortress of Beograd (Belgrade), Serbia, it makes me yearn for a guy to be next to me. Sitting with me, cuddling, and just generally enjoying the peaceful nature of the fortress. Even with a bunch of other people there. The lights shining in the distance of Zemun. The island between the rivers. Seems to be the most perfect date in my opinion, but alas, as usual, no guy ever would think about dating me or being my boyfriend.
Normally I’m not a romantic person at all, preferring to eschew all those romantic films and books since they don’t hold my interest. Also I’m pretty much bad with commitments if long term and bored. In fact, it’s easy for me to chat with guys and be like ‘one of the guys’ since I have skateboarded with them and hung with them much more often than with the females. Sometimes I would try to flirt with them, but it goes unnoticed. So I brushed off romance, thinking it will come whenever it does.
One memory of me was in high school, I asked a guy (who were a bit of a douche to be honest) to be honest on how I look. He replied that I was ugly. It ruined my confidence that time and I lashed out. Who was to blame? Me, since I was the one who asked him for his honest opinion and I overreacted. Another time, I asked a different guy that I had a crush on for so long on why he didn’t share my feelings. He said it had nothing to do with my appearance. Of course that guy was a good friend, but he felt I was too clingy. I tried to change my personality to make him realize that I would make a good girlfriend for him. Let just say, it backfired many times since we used to have an off/on friendship. Hence, our personalities are a bit too different. I thought opposites would attract, but not with him.
It would be nice to experience my first date, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. Sometimes I feel as I’m not good enough at all for any guys to notice. Even dressing up doesn’t help. Nobody notices me. Yes, I have friends who cares. But I don’t want them to set me up on a blind date with some random guy or a guy to take me on a pity date. I have asked guys out before several times, only to be shot down. Is there something wrong with me? I just want a natural type of a relationship that is not forced in any way.
It sounds like I desperately want a relationship, when in reality, I’m out and enjoying my life. Sometimes there’s moments where I wish I had a guy with me, and sitting at the fortress here in Beograd invoked that type of feelings that I had to put it in words. For all to see. My hidden feelings. I never shared that kind of feeling to others. I’m usually sarcastic when it comes to romance or not giving a fuck when in reality, I’m jealous and wants the same thing.
I don’t want a guy to take me on a date after reading this, since I would consider it a pity date. I want a real date where a guy likes me for who I am, not for what I have written. A guy who respects my feeling, don’t give a shit about what others think, and is understanding. Is that so hard to find someone like that out there? And so you guys know, I’m not actively looking for potential boyfriends, I’m just living my life, exploring and getting into stuff that interests me.