Why is it every time I meet somebody new when I travel or is overseas, that they say I’m an inspiration? What’s so special about me? I basically don’t feel like an inspiration or a role model. Hell, I have done stuff before that I’m not that proud of, but so have everybody.
I just caught up with an awesome new show by some means on hulu, even though I’m not in the USA. It’s called “Switched At Birth” about 2 girls, one being deaf that were switched at birth. Anyways, my point is, it made me realize me think about certain stuff.
For example, in one scene, the dad, John Kennish constantly pushed Daphne, the deaf girl in basketball and she began to display signs that she wasn’t enjoying it. I felt the same way about academics, because I’m so fucking smart. Family, teachers, everybody pushed me to do well in academics. I didn’t have much heart in it, only intelligence that could’ve been used elsewhere. To be honest, I didn’t want to go to college right after high school, because I had no motivation.
My only regret is that I let family, friends, teachers, and everybody else push me to attend college, even though I had a lack of interest in academics my senior year of high school. I even tried majoring in photography, my passion at that time, but I soon despised it. The only real passion I had was traveling and experiencing cultures. To live aboard and be independent. Not overprotected like a bird in a cage. Restricted of her freedom, being resigned to live in the middle of nowhere with no license to drive. I have tried for years to get my parents to send me to a driving school or to at least teach me. They even did try to teach me, but lost patience soon afterwards and I hated driving when they were in the seat next to me, yelling. I lost motivation for that, but I still want a license. Even if to own my own motorcycle and ride it.
Nobody understood why I love to travel. I always have ever since I was a baby, but not so much with family due to being limited to the tourist trap bubble. I never liked NYC that much when with family, but I’m open to visiting it only for friends and for myself to explore. Not being stuck to the Statue of Liberty for my 4th or 5th time. It bored me. I’m not into the typical life that everybody expects me to live.
Yes, I have more challenges than the average person, not just deaf, but being stuck with Nager syndrome. But it doesn’t stop me from leaving home without my family knowledge and traveling across parts of Europe, especially the Balkans region and Eastern Europe. I never had any desire to visit France or wherever that everybody goes to. Yes, now, I’m open to the idea of France and “common” Western Europe countries, thanks to my new international friends. Hell, I’m much happier here in Beograd, Serbia than back home in the USA.
Should I even feel guilty that I don’t miss my family at all, except my pets? I mean, I never have been homesick, not even once. I guess I’m like my biological asshole father in personality. That we both are reckless, selfish, adventurous, hot tempered, independent, and in general don’t give a fuck at all. Sure I’m nice and all, but I have limits. Limits such as taking care of drunken ass friends. I do make sure they are alive, but leave them to others to take care of them. I’m a selfish bitch. That’s how I am.
I’m no saint, inspiration, or a role model. Sure it’s nice to see others overcome their own struggles to do whatever they always dreamt of doing, but they have their own stories. Every story is different, in how it’s achieved. I don’t want to be copied. I basically rebel from everything. Not just family, but society pressure. I don’t do well if pushed to do something, as evidenced in my lack of interest in academics.
The only reason I excelled in academics was that I lacked in social life before I moved to a deaf school. Sure I had friends here and there, but not much of a life. I started showing my true colors when I began attending a deaf school. A desire to socialize. Mind you, it wasn’t easy and I didn’t like the experience much, but it taught me what I wanted. Not to be pressured to do things I had no interest in.
My mom thought that me attending college would give me a better opportunity in life, especially since I’m deaf. But look at the world, at the USA. Economy’s fucked. What’s a college degree worth if it’s impossible for everybody to find a job? Nothing. I figured it’s better to do whatever on my own and let everything take care on it own. Not to say I’m not open to some work or whatever. I’m open to the idea of doing some temporary work as I travel. But what’s my skill that I can contribute?
I don’t like responsibilities, hard work, or anything that could take away from what I want to do in life. But when I live in my own place overseas, even for a few months in different places, I enjoy it. It gives me something to do and to actually take a deeper look at the culture here. And experiencing life and culture in different places is my thing. Not just art, but to see what it is in reality. Not what the media or others say; but to see it with my own eyes and feelings. Nothing can ever replace that type of experience, not even some job and a family in a boring old life. Sure, I hate cleaning and stuff of that nature, but I don’t mind if it’s somewhere I liked.
I’m excited to travel again in September to mid/late October of parts of the Balkans, but I don’t want to leave Beograd and Serbia. I loved it here. I loved the challenge of living in a different place, where English isn’t spoken and the written words are in Cyrillic. Yes, there’s Latin used here, but not everywhere. I loved it. I’ll miss this place, but before you know it, I’ll be back.
So, back to the point, why am I no inspiration? To be honest, it’s cliché, boring, and so damn overplayed. I roll my eyes at that idea. I’m just doing what I like to do. Nothing wrong with that? It doesn’t bother me that I’m deaf and living overseas. It’s a challenge that I love to do. It enchants my life much more than some 4 years at some college, not knowing what I wanted to do and being pressured. I love my life without outside pressures, since I’m happier.
So, do me a favor and refrain from using the words “brave”, “inspiration”, or a “role model” to describe me or tell me. Even if you’re an international person living overseas that basically decided to live there and do whatever he/she desires. Nothing different between you and me in regards of that.